by Asya Mukhamedrakhimova
MKH digital plubication © 2025
by Asya Mkh
Category Fashion
Published December 25, 2024
Identity and Style: Can One Truly Be Full Without the Other?

Woman at Her Toilette, by Berthe Morisot

‘If All the World’s a Stage, Identity is Nothing but a Costume’ was the title of a season 2 episode in the Wachowski sisters’ beautiful series Sense8, one of my personal favourites. I would repeat that title to myself over and over as I attempted to make the world my stage, exploring how much identity can bend when it is treated as an extension of a costume.

By this point, we all collectively understand that fashion is not just about putting on clothes to last you through the day. Fashion is the ultimate form of self-expression; it can give you confidence or take it away and represent you without you saying a word. The ever-changing and evolving relationship between people and clothes is a constant source of fascination for me. Try as we might to see past appearances, we are still visual creatures. It is often impossible to look at a person and not make immediate assumptions about them based on what they are wearing. In the world of mood boards and aesthetics, we have begun categorising people so much that a simple accessory can define your identity. Even those trying to stay under the radar and say nothing with their clothes are still saying something. After all, the sweater was not just blue; it was cerulean.

For the longest time, I had no idea what fashion meant to me. I struggled to find my style, constantly emulating those I deemed more self-assured than me. I tried many different costumes and played many different roles until I realised that my relationship with my style must be symbiotic. I began to seek inspiration within myself instead of always looking around, and little by little, my closet was filled with loyal companions. Soon enough, a full picture was formed. But I never fully quenched my thirst for constant changes and experimentation. This idea that the things we wear can create different personalities for us, both internally and externally, stayed with me long after I settled on a personal style. If I had tried this little experiment out a couple of years ago, I am not sure what my feelings would have been because when your fashion is a constant source of doubt and second-guessing, you get used to the discomfort. Once I clearly defined my comfort zone and the boundaries I could push, I realised it was time to strip it all down. Instead of taking a more theoretical approach, I decided to jump in head first and immediately test out how embodying vastly different styles would change my perception of myself and the world around me.

In the days before my experiment, I kept thinking of that younger version of me, shifting my personality with each new ring I bought and tank top I borrowed. But to truly explore how changing my style also changes my self-perception, I needed to stop looking to the past and instead explore the present.

So there I was, armed with a solid idea; I just needed to find the right way to execute it. If I were to use fashion to challenge myself, I needed a good stylist to set the stage. The job I could never do myself since no matter what costume I chose, it would always be a reflection of myself. If I chose my own clothes, I would still seek comfort instead of a challenge. More importantly, I fully understand that there are things other people can do way better than I can. This is where Alex comes in. A friend, a stylist, and a person who would definitely give me a challenge. During our first meeting, we settled on two looks. I must go through two looks, two photoshoots and two days of completely mundane activities in my new style. The first look was meant to represent the essence of Camp and Eclectic style—patterns, layers, and fabrics – all mismatched but blended in a chaotic harmony. Going in a completely different direction, the second look would be Futuristic and Dystopian. It would give me that ‘walked straight out of a Rick Owens show’ vibe. At first, I thought my comfort would not be disrupted as much. After all, I have tried many styles in my life and wore outfits that were so crazy they made heads turn. Little did I realise I had become so used to my more classic (and, let’s be honest, less risky) style that I forgot what it’s like not to feel at home in your clothes. Halfway through the first day, I could only think, ‘I miss my blazers and white t-shirts.’

Styling by Alex Bäuml, Photography by Liam Chong

Alex shared a little presentation during our final meeting with examples of both looks. Just looking at them gave me a slight anxiety attack. This is the moment I realised that since the idea is for me to not just pose for pictures but wear the clothes out, my day will not be as chill as I previously anticipated. Alex asked me which looks made me the most uncomfortable, and let me tell you, I was so tempted to lie. But then a voice in my head told me, if you are going to do this, do this right. So, with a heavy heart, I picked the most outrageous of options, and we were good to go.

In the coming days, I have looked through the list of examples again and again, trying to picture myself wearing the clothes, walking down the street, getting a coffee at my local coffee shop and walking my dog around the park. I hypothesised how the looks might make me feel and what reactions they might get from others. Although somewhat accurate, my hypotheses was not as well-informed since I still had no idea what I would wear. Still, I will share them with you now. I expected to feel less comfortable in the first look than in the second. Since in the past I have once or twice experimented with futuristic and dystopian fashion i knew that the second look will feel more familiar. The first look, though, was completely foreign. My whole life, even when exploring different patterns, I have always stuck to quite traditional colours. I never really did much layering, and I definitely steered clear of mixing textures. With that in mind, I also thought the first look would appear more approachable. Although quite loud, it will welcome more communication from the outside world.

The night before the experiment, I tried to set a specific mindset for myself. If you break it down, this is just a type of performance art or, more accurately, performance fashion. But while in performance art, you embody a character or a role in order to reflect the world onto itself, with my experiment, I want to see how the world reflects onto me. So, instead of becoming a character (or what I imagine a character dressed that way to be), I will try to appear as a clean slate, ready for my assumptions to be proven right or wrong.

Styling by Alex Bäuml, Photography by Liam Chong

Finally, the first styling day came. I woke up at around 9 am to indulge in my usual morning rituals before my day got thrown off track in ways I could not predict. I did the base of my make-up to save some time on the prep and waited for Alex to arrive. She arrived with two giant bags of clothes in her hands. We slowly began the process, both exhausted from the intense weekend we had. Well, to be honest, we first sat on my couch for about 40 minutes trying to get our shit together. Then we got started. The more clothes I tried on and the more layers Alex put on me, the more jokes we began to make and the harder we laughed. The day has started to take colour or actually colours, so many colours. And patterns, shapes, and textures. After trying on two different looks, we settled on the first one. I looked at myself in the mirror and realised I did not mind the accessories, corset, skirt, or even shoes. The pants killed me, though. Laughing at my dramatic reaction to the outfit, Alex pulled out a giant leopard-printed coat to wrap up the ensemble. I saw it and had to hold on to the wall for balance. I tried to take a break from checking out my new look in the mirror and looked down. But the second I did, there they were, those pants. So there it was the first fit. Pretty chill for a Sunday morning.

While I was putting some finishing touches on my makeup, the photographer arrived, and our team was complete. Alex and Liam gathered everything they needed, and I gathered, well, myself, and we headed outside. The first step I took from my building door to the street felt like it took an hour. After the fourth, ‘Okay, I’m ready now,’ I finally pushed myself out. The second i was out I received my first greeting. It was a boy pointing at me excitedly, telling his mother, “Look”, and her replying, “Just keep walking”. That seemed about right.

The thin layers of my skirt moved playfully in the wind as we walked by the river, looking for spots to take photos. I caught glimpses of people looking at me, which disappeared in a flash when they noticed the camera. I stood by the railing of the riverside walk, feeling like the baddest bitch alive. The more pictures we took, the more I began to enjoy the layers of fabric covering my body. This feeling, although pretty cool, was a predictable side effect of the performative aspect of my experiment. I knew beforehand that the easiest part would be to take pictures since having other people be a part of the act carries immediate answers to questions people might have about my appearance. When we wrapped, the real challenge began.

Styling by Alex Bäuml, Photography by Liam Chong

There are a lot of videos online that display people doing all kinds of things while wearing something crazy. The hidden truth of those videos is that most of the time, there is a camera on the other side. Therefore, people who interact with these stunts immediately know that it is a stunt or a performance. In turn, due to the people’s awareness and the existence of a team behind the camera, the person performing also begins to feel more comfortable. I wanted to see how it feels to conduct my experiment with and without the comfort of a camera.

Liam left, and me and Alex waited for the Uber to take us to her place, where my other two friends were waiting to hang out with me. I took my dog with me, partly for emotional support and partly to distract those around me from all the fluffy things on my body with another more entertaining and interactive fluffy thing. I waited in Alex’s flat for Nina and Rana to get ready. Once in a while, I would look at myself in the mirror and think, ‘What the fuck am I doing’. When we left the house, I felt a strange feeling. My outfit was made to stand out, but suddenly, I wanted to put my head down and blend in. At times, I would look at my friends wearing their everyday outfits and see them walk down the street easily. They blended with the street in such a perfect way; both dressed really well, might I add. Their looks made their plans clear; they were out for a walk and lunch. If someone were to see them walk down the street, they would think they were out for a walk and lunch.

Styling by Alex Bäuml, Photography by Liam Chong

On the other hand, I felt alien to the world around me. It was like someone had just dropped me off from the sky, and I landed in the middle of a Sunday afternoon in South Kensington. As these thoughts overtook me and made me go unusually quiet, another thing came to mind. I don’t want to lie and say I never care about what people think because we all do to some extent. But usually, the opinions others have about my appearance, the looks they give me and the thoughts that might be running through their head when they look at me don’t bother me so much. Most of the time, people are too immersed in their minds and thoughts to spend more than a few seconds contemplating a stranger they saw on the street. That day, I cared so much. Every time a new person would pass us on the street, I was hit by an avalanche of questions about what they thought of me.

We went into a cute cafe to have some food. My friends pointed out that the cafe’s design matched my outfit. That was just a lucky coincidence. I could blend in with my surroundings and become one with the cafe window’s bright paint and floral decorations. There was not a second during our lunch when I didn’t feel intensely aware of myself. As someone who is usually quite confident and is never against showing off an outfit, I felt lost. Every step, whether to get the waiter or go to the bathroom, felt like I was exposing myself. When I got up to use the bathroom, I caught a waiter’s eye on me. He waited a bit and then, with a slight note of uncertainty, said, “I like your… dress.” I smiled and said “thank you.” This compliment, in my entangled state of mind, meant more to me than any other ever did. I appreciated the humour of him calling my skirt, corset and pants combo a dress due to a genuine lack of words to describe it. I also took a second to enjoy that since my outfit was very much ‘for the female gaze,’ he must have meant it, or he was just doing that whole excellent customer service thing; either way, it allowed me to relax a little.

We finished the food and took a walk around. Having my friends there did not help me feel like I stood out any less, but it made walking down the street easier, as if I had people around me who were in on the joke and knew what I was doing. Unfortunately, the girlies had a flight to catch that evening. So we said our goodbyes, and I began walking towards the station on my own. Well, not entirely on my own. My dog, who has become a great distraction throughout the day, was with me. I took the train back home and caught a couple more stares at me.

Styling by Alex Bäuml, Photography by Liam Chong

When I walked into the station, I realised that for those looking at me, not knowing the purpose of my clothes, I was just a girl with a unique look walking her dog on a Sunday night. That was both oddly comforting and weird. I thought about how there might now be a person walking this earth thinking they saw a very eccentric fashion girly who does not shy away from experimenting with her look, and that is the version of me that I will always be in their head. Most likely, they only caught a glimpse; it was only a fleeting thought before continuing about their day and forgetting all about me. But for that fleeting moment, that is who I was and will always remain. That weird thought captivated my mind for quite some time. And when I woke up from it, I was nearing my stop.

I took the long route home to let my dog run around a nearby park. I promptly cut that activity short since it was an unusually warm London day, and I was slowly boiling away in my fur boots and giant coat. Deciding that a sunstroke would probably prevent me from delivering this great piece of literary genius to you today, I went home, comforted by the fact that if not for the outfit, I would have spent my Sunday, like I usually do, in bed wearing my most fine pair of sweatpants.

To some, changing my outfit for one day and immediately facing so many challenges would seem dramatic, but that is the point. We often treat our clothes as something so mundane that we forget how much they mean to us. I don’t think I quite understood the support the clothes I chose to wear provided me until I felt what it’s like to be without them. In other words, we don’t know what we have until it’s gone.

Styling by Alex Bäuml, Photography by Liam Chong

After Sunday came Monday, as it usually does, and I felt a bit more upbeat. Now familiar with the process, I was ready for whatever the day would throw at me. And the day did not disappoint. Alex showed up, bag in hand, ready to turn me into a creature of metal and leather. The DIY pants situation was probably my favourite part. I felt more comfortable in the second outfit, just like I predicted. Several years ago, I went through a phase where I experimented with leather pants of various tightness and tops made of one single string. After covering my head with tiny metal clips and spraying hairspray on my face for a shinier look (it seemed like a good idea at the time), Alex revealed her final results to me in the same hallway mirror I tried looking away from the day before. This time, I looked straight at it.

We took some pictures inside the flat and then headed out to shake up the mornings of residents in my little neighbourhood. The stares and distant whispers I received soon disrupted my inner comfort. Apart from the increase in their number, they were way more obvious than the day before. Maybe people grabbing a coffee before work on a Monday morning did not expect to be greeted by the image of me in sunglasses that looked like I have come from the year 2060 to tell my present self about the one way to prevent the apocalypse. I began to treat the stares as if they were part of the experience. With two people in on it with me, I floated through a small coffee shop, smiling at oblivious strangers. After a very intense photoshoot, where I crawled under bridge railings and posed in various unique positions, Alex and I headed to grab lunch together. This time, I left my dog at home.

The intensity of my outfit helped take some of my shyness away. There was a certain responsibility to hold my head up high and look straight ahead with my eyes carrying no expression and my lips slightly open. I walked proudly down the streets that still felt foreign. This time, it was a different kind of foreign. While yesterday, I felt like I was dropped on a quiet sidewalk, unprepared and unaware, today, I chose to visit from the outer realms, knowing exactly how unsettling my presence would be.

Styling by Alex Bäuml, Photography by Liam Chong

Having lunch with Alex and Dascha, both dressed in their everyday clothes, I once again felt that same old question creeping in, ‘what the fuck am I doing?’ Once again, my friend’s objectively cool but more casual outfits made me feel out of place. More than that, they made me feel lonely, unable to share my experience with anyone else. Once we finished lunch, I walked around a bit more and tried to fully appreciate how insane I looked before heading home.

On my way home, I heard a comment that made the whole day worth it. Walking down the street, a little girl stopped and pointed at me. I was almost at my front door when I heard her tell her parents, “I thought she was an alien at first”. Fuck yes, little girl, I am an alien; I loved it.

I got back home, but my day was not over yet. I promised a friend to meet her for drinks later that day. When she offered to grab drinks, I informed her of my little social experiment, which only made her more excited to see me. I had to wait until 10 pm to meet her since she had plans before then. So I was on my couch in my full outfit, waiting for the clock to strike ten. I kept the clothes on in order to not interfere with the integrity of my experiment. I also had no idea if I could put them back on without any assistance. I checked my phone for the 10th time, and it was finally 9:30. Time to go.

Styling by Alex Bäuml, Photography by Liam Chong

I got to the bar, and I am happy to report that no one gave a single shit about what I was wearing; I was in Soho, after all. I met my friends, who all pointed out that this outfit did look like something they could see me wearing. I was unsure if it was because of my colourful past or because I have made it my own so much that it has begun to blend with who I am completely. I would prefer the latter since it would support my theory of clothes, personality, and whatnot. We had drinks, and I went home excited for the 2-hour shower I would undoubtedly have to take to wash off all the hairspray holding the clips and my hair together.

My comfort zone had serious beef with me throughout the two days. Now that the journey is complete, I feel compelled to discuss the destination. In other words, why did I do all this? To be honest, not sure. There were other ways to explore how fashion and identity tie in together. More theoretical and less particular analyses could have been conducted. Perhaps I wanted this to be my introduction to exploring the world of fashion for several reasons. The first one is me trying to show you that I, just like you, am still figuring it all out. I am not an expert, but I am always open to new experiences if they help me learn more about the subject. The second one is rooted in my belief that no matter how much you research the subject, true understanding comes through experiences. And this was definitely ‘an experience’.

Even though I’m still confused about the reasons behind this experiment, I learned a few things. The courage it took for me to walk out of my house wearing something I could never imagine I would put on my body is something I will carry with me and apply in my daily life. Doing this gave me the confidence to be more experimental with my fashion. The exhaustion I felt after constantly wondering what people might be thinking made me realise how much I should prioritise dressing for myself.

Styling by Alex Bäuml, Photography by Liam Chong

From what I have written and what you have read, you can probably guess how insane and unsettling I felt in these outfits. To me, wearing these clothes felt like I was mixing two ingredients that simply do not go together. Like someone sprinkled pineapples on my little pizza, and yes, I do stand by that comparison. I know many people who wear these outfits daily, which never seems unnatural. Maybe that is how people felt when they saw me, and that discomfort was internal. As I write this, I’m waiting for my friend at the airport dressed in the same outfit I will wear to a fancy dinner, and I don’t really care about or even notice the stares. So either my tolerance towards not dressing for the occasion goes only as far as being the only person wearing heels in Barcelona airport, or these feelings are way more subjective. Maybe I exaggerated the number of looks people gave me because I expected them to look. Or maybe I imagined all of it and just wanted the attention.

This experiment is a perfect example of the kind of outlandish and seemingly unnecessary things I am willing to do to approach a subject from a more practical point of view. And when it comes to something as fluid and interchangeable as style and fashion, this approach seems to be the most appropriate.

For those who still think fashion is just clothes, look at how many different emotions I went through when I changed the items I put on my body. Come on, we all know fashion is so much more.

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